Nana's Cities

My 3 most loved cities. Places where I grew up, matured, learned and transformed. I'm going to talk first about the first photo above. It is a photo taken here in Cagayan De Oro City during night cafe specifically at divisoria. Night cafe is every Friday and Saturday where street foods and much stuff are out for the whole night. Divisoria is just right in front of the university where I studied, Ateneo De Cagayan or known as Xavier University. I stayed here in CDO ( abbreviation for Cagayan De Oro ) for almost 2 years, going exactly 2 years this coming May 20th+. 2 years ago when I was crying so hard because I'd be miles away from my family and friends. I'd to be away to explore a new part of the world, to make a new page of my life and to build myself. 2 years ago, right after my high school graduation we were already deciding/planning for my college life. Where to study here in the Philippines, What university and what course. Those were in our thoughts. Til we finally had this final decision to choose CDO and Xavier University as my soon to be new place. I had no single idea what this place look like, and how pinoys here live. I was so clueless about the lifestyle here but I was so zealous to do the plans though fears were really there.To make the story short, I studied here in CDO for 2 years now, the place turned out totally peaceful and relaxing for me. Whatever happened to my life now, how 'ruined' it is now, that's no connection with the place and the university. I do love CDO, and I am so thankful about all the things I've learned in this place. Especially, My first 2 years here in the Philippines were spent here in CDO, I'm glad for that. I and my parents have decided for me to transfer to Manila for me to have a new life, to move on. It is a hard decision for me because I have loved this place already and I want to graduate in my current university now but I really have to leave ( I'm gonna talk about 'WHY I HAVE TO LEAVE' more on one of my next posts ). Thankyou CDO for the memories, I maybe have no much happy memories to share but the learnings and the know-hows that made me stronger and more learned person, that's really made my stay worth it after all.

What I consider my hometown, Jeddah city of Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. It's the place where I was from before I came here in the islands of Philippines. It's my country since I was a fetus. I was born there, and raised there, My life is there. Friends, relatives, family and favorite food it's all in there. It was a very tough decision to leave the place to explore my being a Filipino and to achieve my dreams. In my 2 years stay here in the Philippines, I've already had my vacations there twice because I have to visit back there atleast once a year for my visa and residence permit renewal. And, I am gonna have my long vacation back there this month maybe on the last week or first week of April. I'm gonna have a rest there, won't be back here that soon. Maybe I'll be back on May. I'm not that excited to go back home because I'm not ready to show up to my parents, who've been there to support me in everything. They are always with me though I disappoint them or I make em proud. They've been there loving me though I ruined everything. I am so guilty about what happened, I really can't show up yet. Actually, I can be there last february because I stopped schooling last month but I have to stay here to act as if I'm still schooling ( more about this on one of my next posts) to prevent being a talk-of-the-crowd. I meant, if relatives and family friends would know bout it it would reflect to my parents' again. I really don't want that happen, if I ruined myself it's because I surrendered. I really couldn't stand a single day pretending that I'm okay though not. I so love my family, but I'm not yet ready to be back in Jeddah. One thing I'm gonna do if I'm really there, is to eat my favorite food that no place here in Philippines can find.

A piece of paradise here on earth, Makkah city. It's an hour drive from Jeddah city, it's Islam's holiest city. Yes, I am a muslim. I am eager to be back there, so I can ask much much forgiveness from Him. I've been so neglectful and disobedience. I need to practice my faith again, I need to be there in Makkah to have this enlightenment again which I really feel everytime I'm in that place. A paradise, it's a place where you can live a peaceful and simple life. I feel blessed being raised in saudi arabia because I have a lot of chances to be in Makkah all the time, which not all of muslims all over the world can do. I feel thankful for that, and I wish muslim people who long to be in this place will have their dream come true. It's a paradise here on earth, no words can exactly describe this place. No words.

Courage by Superchick

"Courage"

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

 

 

 

 

This song is an anorexic song. I am not anorexic, hoping won't be one. But, I can so relate to this song. The lyrics makin me cry. So me. :(

OMG! Yeah true!

When I was small, dad was always concern of my hairstyle. He always wanted me to always have that clean short hair cut but I what I wanted was to have a long hair like other girls look. But, Dad's are always right so I don't have a choice but to obey. Every hair cut memories was tragic, but now it is my precious memories. How I wish, Dad can do the same too these days but it's really not gonna come true coz' I'm all grown up and he stopped doing my hair short. I love him, the best dad.


So I think from haircut, this post would be going to be about dad. He is strict for other people's eyes. He is a supportive brother for his sisters. He is a successful OFW engineer for his friends. He is a supportive husband to mom. He is a loving dad to his kids, everyone would agree to me on that. Our relatives and friends know well how good my father is, they witnessed his love to us, his kids. He's been giving us everything we need and want without any second thought. He's the best dad for an only daughter like me. He's the kind of dad, every girl needs. Though there were times when he did mistake that made our family a bit changed, still we're here.. not a broken family. We didn't leave dad for his mistakes, we stayed for all the good things he's done. I love him, and will always do. 

Backspace

How I wish there is a backspace key in life, easy to press when you commit a mistake. A key that would help you to totally have a perfect life. It's epic, it's totally impossible I know. I'm sounding weird but this is just because I've been into dark for long. I have walked in this rocky road alone. I'm waking up thinking.. what if I didn't wake up, how many people would care? I have listened to songs that making my heart cry in liters of tears. I've been working on, trying hard and making all I think would work. Everything I thought would make my dreams come true, just made everything ruined. All the people I thought care, were actually those who don't. I want a backspace, I want to start all over again.

Lost. Alone. Empty.

Don't Quit.

 For more motivation qoutes please do one of my favorite fb pages, https://www.facebook.com/lifeentrepreneur

Numb

Hi. Lately, I've been doing my best to recover from all these depression stuff. It's hard. I need support, help and courage to move on. Everything's like a bit better than those days when I think there's no 1% hope left for me. Now, My family, true friends and of course God helping me through all these sufferings.

I feel weird lately. I don't feel that sad anymore but I don't feel any happiness or good feelings too. I don't know if I'm okay or I'm just now numb, someone who doesn't feel anything. But I think this is better than feeling so down everyday, at least now I feel a bit soothed because I don't feel anything. Seems an anesthesia was injected to me, thanks to whoever did that ( odd ) .

No much zeal to write more here, like I said I'm like totally numb right now. So here's a song for you to understand more my situation right now, I prepared the lyrics too for you to understand the song. Originally sung by Linkin Park entitled, Numb.  

♪ ♪ ♪ I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes,
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow,
Every step that I take is another mistake to you,
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

[Chorus]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you,
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow,
Every step that I take is another mistake to you,
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow,
And every second I waste is more than I can take!

[Chorus]

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be ♪ ♪ ♪


Lyrics from: http://www.lyrics007.comVideo from: chopstix102@youtube

Depressed Girl

I had a hard time to compose my next blogpost, I felt like sharing everything here still a big no-no. I felt like I wanted to keep everything I feel within me. Though I've made this blog a private blog, it's published but no close relatives know this blog yet, still I feel awkward writing everything about my sufferings and depressions right now. I totally made this to help me recover from these odd feelings I'm feeling right now, I don't have anyone with me right now to ease the pain with. To comfort me each day, to tell me the reasons why I'm still breathing. I want my family here with me right now. They are the best comfort I have but I can't show up yet, I totally messed my life, and I'm scared that I may lost their trust. I lost myself. Now I see myself suffering from these depressions for over years now, I've been in a dark side of this world since I was a child. Happy thoughts, happy memories are counted.. I keep em here in me because they are precious, they are rare to happen to me. Some ( or most? ) depressions turn to suicide, isn't? I had these moments in life, when I almost did it. I had these moments.Indeed my thoughts are killing me. I'm scared, if I won't recover from this kind of hell life I have, that ending everything will come to my mind as the only solution to stop these pains I feel. These heart aches, mind bugging, the tears that only God see, define my life. I am a good and responsible daughter in my parents eyes, a happy and funny sister of my brothers, a young achiever for my aunts and uncles, a lucky person for young cousins who envy me, a strong and smart person for my friends, I'll be a future success.. it's what everyone expect from me. Nobody knows what I truly feel, it kills me.

2 years ago, I still could fake a smile, though I was deeply hurting. I was younger, so I was just enjoying life then. Yes, people hurt you, some people come just to leave pain in you. I was a funny girl then, a best friend, a good daughter. I still could take all the pain, because I still have something that makin me happy atleast even with all the pain. Some people treatin me like a princess, they even call me princess. They know how my family has been spoiling me, no brat could touch me. I was a princess, there are those times when I really could feel it. But everything turned totally different now, I can't fake a single smile. I smile with my eyes obviously hurting. I thought I was just extraordinary sad, but then now I'm sure I'm suffering with depression. I hope I get recovered soon, I've been trying. But, these now really an illness. I really can't stand it, I really can't think positively coz I feel there's really no single thing that I should feel atleast a bit happy. No reason to live is what my mind is saying now. I'm totally hopeless. I need a friend, a help. I can't show up to my family, til I'm finally okay. I stopped schooling, I stopped having a good life, I stopped enjoying each day, I stopped having fun. Everyday is just about this effin depression I have. I'm damaged. I can't repair myself alone, I need someone or something, an inspiration? or anything. What exactly that is, I really don't know. Seems I don't feel really well now, I want to end this post now. Catch me on my next post.