Depressed Girl

I had a hard time to compose my next blogpost, I felt like sharing everything here still a big no-no. I felt like I wanted to keep everything I feel within me. Though I've made this blog a private blog, it's published but no close relatives know this blog yet, still I feel awkward writing everything about my sufferings and depressions right now. I totally made this to help me recover from these odd feelings I'm feeling right now, I don't have anyone with me right now to ease the pain with. To comfort me each day, to tell me the reasons why I'm still breathing. I want my family here with me right now. They are the best comfort I have but I can't show up yet, I totally messed my life, and I'm scared that I may lost their trust. I lost myself. Now I see myself suffering from these depressions for over years now, I've been in a dark side of this world since I was a child. Happy thoughts, happy memories are counted.. I keep em here in me because they are precious, they are rare to happen to me. Some ( or most? ) depressions turn to suicide, isn't? I had these moments in life, when I almost did it. I had these moments.Indeed my thoughts are killing me. I'm scared, if I won't recover from this kind of hell life I have, that ending everything will come to my mind as the only solution to stop these pains I feel. These heart aches, mind bugging, the tears that only God see, define my life. I am a good and responsible daughter in my parents eyes, a happy and funny sister of my brothers, a young achiever for my aunts and uncles, a lucky person for young cousins who envy me, a strong and smart person for my friends, I'll be a future success.. it's what everyone expect from me. Nobody knows what I truly feel, it kills me.

2 years ago, I still could fake a smile, though I was deeply hurting. I was younger, so I was just enjoying life then. Yes, people hurt you, some people come just to leave pain in you. I was a funny girl then, a best friend, a good daughter. I still could take all the pain, because I still have something that makin me happy atleast even with all the pain. Some people treatin me like a princess, they even call me princess. They know how my family has been spoiling me, no brat could touch me. I was a princess, there are those times when I really could feel it. But everything turned totally different now, I can't fake a single smile. I smile with my eyes obviously hurting. I thought I was just extraordinary sad, but then now I'm sure I'm suffering with depression. I hope I get recovered soon, I've been trying. But, these now really an illness. I really can't stand it, I really can't think positively coz I feel there's really no single thing that I should feel atleast a bit happy. No reason to live is what my mind is saying now. I'm totally hopeless. I need a friend, a help. I can't show up to my family, til I'm finally okay. I stopped schooling, I stopped having a good life, I stopped enjoying each day, I stopped having fun. Everyday is just about this effin depression I have. I'm damaged. I can't repair myself alone, I need someone or something, an inspiration? or anything. What exactly that is, I really don't know. Seems I don't feel really well now, I want to end this post now. Catch me on my next post.